The Quibbler articles

The Quibbler articles

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This is a list of known articles of The Quibbler.

An edition of The Quibbler

1995

"SIRIUS — BLACK AS HE'S PAINTED?"

Notorious Mass Murderer OR Innocent Singing Sensation?

For fourteen years Sirius Black has been believed guilty of the mass murder of twelve innocent Muggles and one wizard. Black's audacious escape from Azkaban two years ago has led to the widest manhunt ever conducted by the Ministry of Magic. None of us have ever questioned that he deserves to be recaptured and handed back to the Dementors.

BUT DOES HE?

Startling new evidence has recently come to light that Sirius Black may not have committed the crimes for which he was sent to Azkaban. In fact, says Doris Purkiss, of 18 Acanthia Way, Little Norton, Black may not even have been present at the killings.

"What people don't realize is that Sirius Black is a false name," says Mrs. Purkiss. "The man people believe to be Sirius Black is actually Stubby Boardman, lead singer of the popular singing group the Hob Goblins, who retired from public life after being struck in the ear by a turnip at a concert in Little Norton Church Hall nearly fifteen years ago. I recognised him the moment I saw his picture in the paper. Now, Stubby couldn't possibly have committed those crimes, because on the day in question he happened to be enjoying a romantic candlelit dinner with me. I have written to the Minister for Magic and am expecting him to give Stubby, alias Sirius, a full pardon any day now."

"How Far Will Fudge Go to Gain Gringotts?"

Cornelius Fudge, the Minister for Magic, denied that he had any plans to take over the running of the Wizarding Bank, Gringotts, when he was elected Minister for Magic five years ago. Fudge has always insisted that he wants nothing more than to "cooperate peacefully" with the guardians of our gold.

BUT DOES HE?

Sources close to the Minister have recently disclosed that Fudge's dearest ambition is to seize control of the goblin gold supplies and that he will not hesitate to use force if need be.

"It wouldn't be the first time, either," said a Ministry insider. "Cornelius 'Goblin-Crusher' Fudge, that's what his friends call him, if you could hear him when he thinks no one's listening, oh, he's always talking about the goblins and he's had done in; he's had them drowned, he's had them dropped off buildings, he's had them poisoned, he's had them cooked in pies...."

1997

The Quibbler influenced by Death Eaters and The Ministry

"CRUMPLE-HORNED SNORKACK SIGHTING!"

Article mentions that a Crumple-Horned Snorkack was spotted in a small Swedish town...

"REMEMBERING DUMBLEDORE"

This column not so subtly implies that Hogwarts headmaster Albus Dumbledore was killed by a certain Hogwarts Potions professor, also head of Slytherin house, who is allegedly a Death Eater spying on him waiting for a chance to kill him

"DEATH EATERS ON THE DANCEFLOOR!"

Article gives a first-hand account of the chaos that ensued when the wedding of Bill and Fleur Weasley was invaded by You-Know-Who's followers - in an apparent attempt to capture Harry Potter.

"MINISTRY MOVE TO REGULATE MUGGLE-BORNS"

Column condemns the Ministry of Magic for its "Muggle-Born Registration Commission", noting that the research cited by the Daily Prophet is unsubstantiated.

"DOLORES UMBRIDGE TO PROSECUTE WIZARDING WORLD"

Editorial column questioning the judgment of whoever appointed Dolores Umbridge Head of the Muggle-born Registration Commission. Author notes that Umbridge nearly paralysed the educational process at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry when she worked there two years ago.

"PURE-BLOODS AND MUGGLE-BORNS: WIZARDS ALL!"

Article questioning the alleged resignation and recent disappearance of Professor Charity Burbage, noting that her views on Muggle-born equality may have angered You-Know-Who's followers and asking for information as to her whereabouts are and they will find her and aliminate her

"ALLEGED MURDERER IN CHARGE OF YOUR CHILDREN!"

Editorial notes that a certain Hogwarts Potions Professor has now been named Hogwarts Headmaster. Also head of Slytherin house, alleged Death Eater quite possibly murdered the previous headmaster, Albus Dumbledore.

"DUMBLEDORE — THE TRUTH AND LIES" (1/4)

This interview with Elphias Doge refutes the contents of Rita Skeeter's new book on Albus Dumbledore:

Albus Dumbledore Remembered

                                                      an interview with Elphias Doge

                             I met Albus Dumbledore at th eage of eleven, on our first day at Hogwarts. Our mutual attraction was undoubtedly due to the fact that we both felt ourselves to be outsiders. I had contracted dragon pox shortly before arriving at school, and while I was no longer contagious, my pockmarked visage and greenish hue did not encourage many to approach me. For his part, Albus had arrived at Hogwarts under the burden of unwanted notoriety. Scarcely a year previously, his father, Percival had been convicted of a savage and well publicized attack upon three young muggles. Albus never attempted to deny that his father (who was to die in Azkaban) had committed this crime; on the contrary, when I plucked up the courage to ask him, he assured me he knew that his father was to be guilty. Beyond that, Dumbledore refused to speak of the sad business, though many attempted to make him do so. Some, indeed, were disposed to praise his father's action and assumed that Albus too was a Muggle-hater. They could not have been more mistaken: As anybody who knew Albus would attest, he never revealed the remotest anti-Muggle tendency. Indeed, his determined support for Muggle rights gained him many enemies in subsequent years. In a matter of months, however, Albus's own fame had begun to eclipse that of his father. By the end of his first year, he would never again be know as the son of a Muggle-hater, but as nothing more or less than the most brilliant student ever seen at the school...

"MORE LIES ABOUT DUMBLEDORE!" (2/4)

Elphias Doge continues his defence of Dumbledore, specifically noting that his discovery of the twelve uses of dragon's blood will "benefit generations to come", and that "no wizarding duel ever matched that between Dumbledore and Grindelwald in 1945."

"DUMBLEDORE — THE TRUE AND THE WISE!" (3/4)

An editorial seriously questioning Rita Skeeter's version of the events in Albus Dumbledore's life, specifically lauding Dumbledore for his work with students.

"DUMBLEDORE DEATH DECEIT DISCREDITED!" (4/4)

Article examines and discredits Dark conspiracy claims that Harry Potter was involved in Albus Dumbledore's death.

"SCRIMGEOUR DISAPPEARS!"

Article notes that Scrimgeour has not been seen since his alleged "resignation", indicating that rumour has it that Scrimgeour was, in fact, murdered so that Pius Thicknesse could take over as Minister.

"WIZARDS INVADE GRINGOTTS"

There is a warning that there is a power struggle at Gringotts and that because many goblins recognise no wizarding master, they will not stand for any such control over their bank and fuged ordered an attack on gringotts

"DEATH EATER ATTACKS ON MUGGLES"

Editorial implying that recent disasters in the Muggle world first thought to be a result of freak weather can be traced to Death Eater activity.

"WIZARDING WIRELESS SAVED BY UNDERGROUND BROADCASTS?"

Brief column on the alleged existence of an underground radio show on the Wizarding Wireless Network — urging listeners to share its means of access with as many Potter supporters as you can.