|We must've been through hundreds of books already and we can't find him anywhere —|
This is a list of known articles of The Quibbler.
"SIRIUS — BLACK AS HE'S PAINTED?"
Notorious Mass Murderer OR Innocent Singing Sensation?
For fourteen years Sirius Black has been believed guilty of the mass murder of twelve innocent Muggles and one wizard. Black's audacious escape from Azkaban two years ago has led to the widest manhunt ever conducted by the Ministry of Magic. None of us have ever questioned that he deserves to be recaptured and handed back to the Dementors.
BUT DOES HE?
Little Norton, Black may not even have been present at the killings.
"What people don't realise is that Sirius Black is a false name," says Mrs Purkiss "The man people believe to be Sirius Black is actually Stubby Boardman, lead singer of the popular singing group the Hob Goblins, who retired from public life after being struck in the ear by a turnip at a concert in Little Norton Church Hall nearly fifteen years ago. I recognised him the moment I saw his picture in the paper. Now, Stubby couldn't possibly have committed those crimes, because on the day in question he happened to be enjoying a romantic candlelit dinner with me. I have written to the Minister for Magic and am expecting him to give Stubby, alias Sirius, a full pardon any day now."
"How Far Will Fudge Go to Gain Gringotts?"
Cornelius Fudge, the Minister for Magic, denied that he had any plans to take over the running of the Wizarding Bank, Gringotts, when he was elected Minister for Magic five years ago. Fudge has always insisted that he wants nothing more than to "cooperate peacefully" with the guardians of our gold.
BUT DOES HE?
Sources close to the Minister have recently disclosed that Fudge's dearest ambition is to seize control of the goblin gold supplies and that he will not hesitate to use force if need be.
"It wouldn't be the first time, either," said a Ministry insider. "Cornelius 'Goblin-Crusher' Fudge, that's what his friends call him, if you could hear him when he thinks no one's listening, oh, he's always talking about the goblins and he's had done in; he's had them drowned, he's had them dropped off buildings, he's had them poisoned, he's had them cooked in pies...."
"CRUMPLE-HORNED SNORKACK SIGHTING!"
The article mentions that a Crumple-Horned Snorkack was spotted in a small Swedish town.
This column not so subtly implies that Hogwarts headmaster Albus Dumbledore was killed by a certain Hogwarts Potions professor, also head of Slytherin house, who is allegedly a Death Eater spying on him waiting for a chance to kill him.
"DEATH EATERS ON THE DANCEFLOOR!"
"MINISTRY MOVE TO REGULATE MUGGLE-BORNS"
"DOLORES UMBRIDGE TO PROSECUTE WIZARDING WORLD"
Editorial column questioning the judgement of whoever appointed Dolores Umbridge Head of the Muggle-born Registration Commission. Author notes that Umbridge nearly paralysed the educational process at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry when she worked there two years ago.
"PURE-BLOODS AND MUGGLE-BORNS: WIZARDS ALL!"
Article questioning the alleged resignation and recent disappearance of Professor Charity Burbage, noting that her views on Muggle-born equality may have angered You-Know-Who's followers and asking for information as to her whereabouts are and they will find her and eliminate her.
"ALLEGED MURDERER IN CHARGE OF YOUR CHILDREN!"
Editorial notes that a certain Hogwarts Potions Professor has now been named Hogwarts Headmaster. Also head of Slytherin house, alleged Death Eater quite possibly murdered the previous Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore.
"DUMBLEDORE — THE TRUTH AND LIES" (1/4)
"MORE LIES ABOUT DUMBLEDORE!" (2/4)
Elphias Doge continues his defence of Dumbledore, specifically noting that his discovery of the twelve uses of dragon's blood will "benefit generations to come", and that "no wizarding duel ever matched that between Dumbledore and Grindelwald in 1945."
"DUMBLEDORE — THE TRUE AND THE WISE!" (3/4)
"DUMBLEDORE DEATH DECEIT DISCREDITED!" (4/4)
Article notes that Scrimgeour has not been seen since his alleged "resignation", indicating that rumour has it that Scrimgeour was, in fact, murdered so that Pius Thicknesse could take over as Minister.
There is a warning that there is a power struggle at Gringotts and that because many goblins recognise no wizarding master, they will not stand for any such control over their bank and fuged ordered an attack on Gringotts.
"DEATH EATER ATTACKS ON MUGGLES"
"WIZARDING WIRELESS SAVED BY UNDERGROUND BROADCASTS?"
Brief column on the alleged existence of an underground radio show on the Wizarding Wireless Network — urging listeners to share its means of access with as many Potter supporters as you can.