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Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash is a chapter of an unofficial novel written by a predictive[1] AI controlled by Botnik Studios and released on their website in 2018.


Plot

Chapter 13: The Handsome One

The Hogwarts castle grounds blew wind that was magically intensified while the black sky rained blood. Meanwhile, in Hagrid's hut, all that was audible was his own furniture. Harry Potter thought magic was 'very good'. Rain fell like it was 'leathery sheets' on top of Harry's ghost as he walked the grounds. Ron stood there doing a tap dance, but once he saw Harry, he started eating Hermione's family. Ron's shirt of himself was just as bad as he was. Ron looked like a 'loud, slow, and soft bird' to Harry. He didn't like talking about even the subject of birds. Ron spotted Death Eaters on the castle roof, and was going to be 'spiders' but wasn't proud of it, knowing that he'd be covered in them anyway. Hermoine thought of the idea of listening to the Death Eaters' meetings, so the trio made their way to the castle roof door's landing. They almost ran in, but 'witches aren't climbing'. Ron then looked at the doorknob, then painfully at Hermoine, saying that the door was closed. Mr Staircase, a resident ghost, elaborated that it was actually locked, screaming at it's closedness and trying to ask it to substitute itself with an orb. Hermoine cried out the password: 'beef women'. The trio then stood behind a Death Eater circle, whose members looked 'bad'. Two Death Eaters kissed each other, one rather confidently, as the others clapped for them. They went over their plan to strip Harry of his magic, and Harry could tell that the Dark Lord was standing behind him, but he felt like he was overreacting. He ripped his eyes out of his head and threw them into the Forbidden Forest. Harry told Voldemort off, while Hermoine dipped the face on one of his Death Eaters, whom wore a 'Hermoine Has Forgotten How To Dance' shirt on him, in mud. Ron had thrown a wand at the Dark Lord while everyone gave applause, then slowly reached for his own while Harry reluctantly did the same, casting a spell or two while green light shot out of the heads of the Death Eaters. Ron flinched afterwards. Harry thought 'Not so handsome now' as he dipped Hermoine in hot sauce. The Death Eaters were dead, having recently been killed by him and Ron, and Harry was hungrier than he'd ever been. Meanwhile, in the Great Hall, moaning chandeliers filled the hall, along with a large librarian whom used the masonry books as decorations. Mice mountains exploded, and long pumpkins fell off McGonagall. Dumbledore's hair then went next to Hermoine as he arrived at the school. The Hufflepuff pig pulsed like a bullfrog, and Dumbledore, smiling at it and having placed his hand on it's head, told it that it was Hagrid now. The trio said together that 'they were the only ones that mattered, and he's never going to get rid of us.' The castle floor seemed to be a big magic pile, and the Dursleys weren't ever gonna be there. Harry then looked around and fell down the staircase for the whole summer, afterwards exclaiming 'I'm Harry Potter. The dark arts better be worried, oh boy!".

Notes and references

  1. From http://botnik.org/content/harry-potter.html, as the bottom of that page says 'algorithm: PREDICTIVE'.